I was 29. I had just one child and she was only 5 years old. I was living out my last years as a resident of Arizona. I was in a much different place mentally, physically, spiritually, and I can tell you I was a mess. I remember not believing in myself. I didn’t believe that I could be strong or beautiful or fully capable of living out life. I was struggling to be a good mom to Avery and juggling so many bad habits and hang ups that it exhausts me to even recall it. I was drowning in a sea of anxiety, stress, drama, and depression. My body and mind were so weak, my spirit was broken, and my faith was barely there. Friends and family would try to speak life into me, but I thought they were trying to pity me or be nice. I was in a place I never planned on being and I hated it.
A decade ago God had me in His hands. He had me covered so well, yet I couldn’t fully see it. God was providing the strength and all that I needed to make it through, but I couldn’t fully grasp it. A lot can happen in 10 years, like living in a place I never knew I would, or now having the son I longed for, and an amazing husband who knows what, “I love you,” truly means. He shows it to me everyday. I can now look in the mirror and accept the woman looking back with gratitude. 10 years ago I never planned on even being able to look back on anything. But humbly, here I am, and I love it.
I don’t know where you are in your life. You could be living out a bad year or a bad decade yourself. But when you’ve dedicated your life to God and surrendered to Him, then your life is in His hands. It might not look like He’s in control, but He more than is. It might look like you don’t have a place to call home, or a friend to call upon, or a promise to even pray for, but God has you in His hands. You might look in the mirror and feel shame because you see a person that you don’t know anymore and it scares you. But God is growing you. He’s pruning you. He’s watching you, He’s keeping you. He knows exactly where you will be 10, 20, 30 years from now. He knows what time it is, even if you can’t even tell what life season you’re in. He’s ever loving and interceding for you with a love so powerful that nothing and I mean NO THING can separate you from. You might not even love yourself yet, but His love will fully persuade you that you are more than your habits, hang-ups, and circumstances. You’re so much more, because through His love, you’ll find that you are even more than a conqueror.
Romans 8:37-39 (NKJV)
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.